Charlie Knight [they/them]
Sat Sep 05 16:19:00 +0000 2020

Definitely just watched my neighbor's teenage son back his mom's car into his dad's truck.

And he knows I saw it.

Mom is home but didn't see/hear it happen, and Dad gets home at 3.

I'm waiting for the silence bribe.

He's circling both cars, examining even the parts of each that weren't hit. He's also frantically looking at me and at the house, trying not to get caught and simultaneously already caught.

I waved, gave him a sing-songy, "Hello, Kyle." I can see him sweating from here.

He just had a lightbulb moment, complete with a ha! finger in the air and ran to the back of the house (basement door?).

Can't wait to see what's up Kyle's sleeve.

Literally never saw anyone do the a ha! finger irl before, I was so excited.

But then Kyle returned with a towel. It looks dry.

Kyle. Wtf dude?

Now hes got a bucket too.

Kyle: *waves* Gonna wash the cars!

Me: *waves back* Clean dents still exist.

Burst his bubble. Bucket and towel have been abandoned for more car examining. I'm getting a beer.

I came back from getting a beer to find Mom outside, letting the dog out. Kyle talks VERY loudly when trying to cover his tracks.

Mom: What are you doing?


Mom has suspicions.

Mom waved to me and stg I saw Kyle's soul leave his body. He finally herded her back inside and went back to the bucket and towel.

Kyle: *stares at the bucket, then looks up at me*


Kyle ran around the back of the house again. No a ha finger this time so I dont have high hopes.

My parent side wants to root for Mom, my mischief maker side is rooting for Kyle. If he comes up with something clever enough, I may not even need a silence bribe.

I just realized Kyle hasn't attempted to buy my silence yet. Better have some good shit in that basement, Kyle, I have a kid who will be driving soon enough and need the responsible karma.

He has a tool box.

Kyle can't even start the lawn mower, the fuck is this poor soul gonna do with a tool box?

Hubs has joined me outside. Kyle greeted him VERY enthusiastically.

Hubs: *waving* oh, what did Kyle do?

Me: Sit down, we're gonna get the drive shoveled this winter.

He pulled out a hammer and heard my husband gasp from here. Hes circling the cars again, hammer in hand, nodding to himself.

Hes also looking at the front of the car that backed into the other one though. If this turns into insurance fraud, I'm going inside and deleting this.

Okay, he abandoned the hammer too. The tool box, towel, and bucket are still in the yard. If Mom comes back, shell have questions.

Hes on his phone now. Kyle's friends are...well. Last year, one of them broke his leg trying to skateboard on ice. If thats his help, pray for Kyle.

Mom came back, Kyle is now washing the cars whether it helps or now.

I'm seriously contemplating pulling my car out of the garage and just waiting. Wonder if Kyle can take a hint.

Kyle is no dummy.

Kyle: I can wash your cars, if you want.

Me: Thanks, but my husband and kid do that for free.

Kyle: charge. I'd just do it.

Me: Oh, you'd just do it? That's all?

Kyle laughed that terrified laugh, you know the one. Am I extorting a kid?

Even if I don't tell, Kyle has to explain the dents. I'm not sure he's decided which problem is worse at the moment.

T minus two hours til Dad gets home, dents still remain, Mom is suspicious. Dog is gonna drink that soapy water, Kyle, pay attention.

We have devolved into considering what we can squeeze Kyle for.

Hubs: We could have him babysit.

Me: We want him sad not dead. Walk the dogs?

Hubs: He smokes pot when he walks their dog, thats not punishment.

Me: If he finds out we know that too, hes gonna fix our roof.

Oh God, the skateboarder is here. Kyle definitely told him that I caught him, the friend just greeted me for the first time ever. Kyle smacked him for it. They're trying very hard not to look at me now, as if I might steal their dent fixing plan.

Kyle: *picks up the hammer*

Me (from across the street):

Hubs just pointed out that they likely have no idea what to call me (ma'am? Sir?) and that's probably why Kyle didn't let Skateboard Bro say anything to me. Now Kyle has to buy my silence, fix or explain the dents, AND navigate my androgyny. All at 16 and stupid.

They're washing the cars - Mom's sedan and Dad's truck - together. Kyle is texting someone, hopefully getting more help since Skateboard Bro evidently offered none. Maybe Kyle will get better friends after this. Or learn to watch his mirrors in reverse.

Oh, Skateboard Bro came up with an idea Kyle does NOT like. Names were called, the leg breaking incident was brought up as proof that Skateboard Bro should plan nothing. Granted, Kyle called him for help so really, who's the dumbass, Kyle?

Me: Can you get me another beer?

Hubs: No, Im not missing a second of this.

Me: What?! You wouldnt even know about it if not for me!

Hubs: Kyle calls Skateboard Bro, you called me. Mistakes were made.

Im now bribing the kid to get me a beer so I can wait for Kyle to bribe me.

Kyle's reinforcement has arrived. I dont know this one but believe it or not, I dont pay much attention to the neighbors.

Hes in charge already, ordering Kyle back into the house. Front door this time, bold move. Skateboard Bro is unhappy that his job is to keep washing the car.

New Friend is just standing in the yard, watching. Hands on his hips. One of those.

He's gonna have good bribery plans, I can tell, but he might also get Kyle arrested. Undecided on how to feel about New Friend.

Mom came out.

Mom does NOT like New Friend trying to charm her. He's definitely one of those, dont act like you don't know what I mean. And Mom doesnt know why friends came to wash cars.

Kyle just body blocked her from getting near her car, he is not skilled at Playing It Cool.

Mom: What is WRONG with you?

Kyle: (still yelling bc nervous) NOTHING NOTHING ITS FINE

Mom: Is it nothing or is it fine?

(Mom has four other, older kids, she has clearly done this before. I'm taking notes)

New Friend: Kyle just didnt want you to get wet.

Mom: ...who are you?

New Friend is standing on the curb, hands off those hips now. I waved, he didn't like that.

Hubs: stop drawing attention to us

Me: and have them forget to bribe me?! Absolutely not.

Mom 100% knows something is up, she chose to go back inside. And its 51 minutes til Dad gets home.

I still haven't gotten my new beer, the fuck.


She's hard-core. She left Skateboard Bro in the street with his leg dangling backward, called him stupid on her way inside.

Instantly, she knows something is wrong. Oh, Kyle. He should run, this is the vicious sister.

We still don't know what New Friend sent Kyle inside for, before Mom came out. I think maybe to keep Mom inside.

Kyle is not having a good day.

Oh. Things are happening. All three boys are on the move - Skateboard Bro is putting away the bucket and toolbox, Kyle is going into Mom's car for something, New Friend is getting tf out of here. Lauren is now on the lawn with hands on hips.

Lauren, spots us drinking beer: Boys, amiright?

Me: Honey, they only get worse.

(Lauren is the sister folks, sorry)

Lauren is pointing at us and saying something to Kyle who absolutely wants to die, he's gonna throw up or something. She wants him to come over here.

I want him to come over here, too. Whatcha got, Lauren?



Well, Kyle is taking a perfectly normal neighborhood trip to Rita's. Totally normal to ask us what flavor we want for this trip, everything is normal.

Bribes have been issued, I am pleased. They still have to resolve the dent in the next half hour.

Kyle tried to take Lauren's car to get this bribery Italian ice.


Kyle got back in Mom's car, but now Lauren is talking to Mom, and Kyle looks like he knows what's about to happen. If he doesn't ever return, I dont think anyone can blame him.

Meanwhile, Skateboard Bro is standing near the truck like a smacked ass. He 100% wants to ask for Italian ice.

Kyle took Skateboard Bro with him in Lauren's car (she caved when Kyle did frantic motioning toward the back, they can't fix the dent at Rita's, I suppose).

They were gone half a second before Lauren showed Mom the back of her car 不不不 Told you she was vicious

Me: Is the dent worth all this pain?

Mom: The dent is from when I hit a pole six months ago.

Me: Are you gonna tell Kyle?!

Mom: Absolutely not, I love Italian Ice.

Okay. Mom and Lauren are gonna make Kyle cry in private, I have a strawberry Italian ice on the way, and someone needs to get me that beer.

Tomorrow, I'm telling Kyle this got live tweeted. Messages to Kyle will be passed on.

Thanks for laughing with me, I so needed Kyle today.

I apparently need disclaimers bc some people are weird.

Of course I did not use the real names of these literal children, the fuck do I look like?

And Kyle got cash for the Italian ice. Bribery and watching him squirm was fun but I didn't take the kid's money.

Omg the people trying to act like I put Kyle's emotional breakdown and heartache online 不不不

1. Kyle was trying to lie and cover it up and only got upset when he knew he was caught.

2. Kyle knew exactly what was going on. And he wanted to bribe me.

3. Kyle got cash and ice.

Alright, time for me to mute this. I'm glad Kyle's nonsense could bring some joy to your lives, and so is Kyle.

Instead of promoting anything I'll just remind you to vote Trump out. Nothing is more important anyway.

A Kyle update to brighten your Monday. He didn't get in trouble because of course he didn't (he's a silly boy and his parents are good ppl). Only problem now is I think he's looking for a chance to do something stupid in the hopes I'll live tweet it 不

Mon Sep 07 20:05:57 +0000 2020