Took my morning river swim today and as usual our dog came with me. He doesn't always swim along often preferring to sit on the bank and watch but today he swum along. As we both emerged to dry off there stood a woman who shouted numerous insults at me and....

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Accusing me of "animal cruelty" and "abuse of a helpless animal". I tried at first to remain calm and let her know our dog did exactly as he pleased and it was his own choice as to if he swum along. Anyone with even a passing knowledge of dogs would be able to see he...

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is happy, healthy and content. She thought otherwise and demanded my name and home address. I lost my temper and a few choice swear words resulted. She at first tried to follow me but I ran quicker than she could. He parting words were,
"I'm off to the police you bastard"

I wrote the above about an hour after it happened but just told my wife as she has been out buying bread. It seems likely this is the same lady who has already berated a couple yesterday for letting their dog swim in the river with their children. Sounds like she has 'issues'.

I called our local police office (we know them) and told them the story. Seems she has already been in to report me, they told her they would be,

"Giving the matter all the time it deserves" A polite way to say they will be doing nothing.

If ever I have been tempted to post here a video of the exchanges I have witnessed today was the day. I was writing in my study when I heard a commotion outside. Our dog was sitting by our gate watching the occasional car drive by and my wife was doing some gardening when..

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it seems the lunatic woman from earlier pulled up outside and tried to entice our dog to come to her with some meat. My wife saw this and ran over while shouting to me. I hit the record button on our CCTV and caught the 'discussion' in full. It was 'full and frank'

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"I am rescuing this dog, do not try and stop me"
"Fuck you, touch my dog and I'll put you in hospital"

Wife now waving pruning shears, dog barking and enjoying it all

"I have seen this dog being abused"
"Go away you mad stupid fool"

Woman retreats, CCTV shows her nearby.

Wife not content with this. Ran down the fence line until she was level with the woman hiding near some bushes,

"Get away from here, we have called the police (this was true) and here in France they will shoot you (this is not true). I meanwhile have taken the dog into the house

Our old friend Henri (local policeman) was driving by and had heard about the kerfuffle. During a small coffee he offered his observation

"My old friend, you attract these people, they are drawn to you." I agreed it has been a unique few months. He will be going to talk to her

As a safety measure dog is being kept inside, this has given the cat an opportunity to strut up and down outside of the terrace windows taunting him,

"Look at me, we cats are allowed out, we are special, you are but a dog. Cats rule all, bow down to me canine'

Mad woman is back. She is standing at the gate with her phone filming our house.

I am preparing the high pressure jet wash.

Am standing on my drive writting this. I am holding the jet wash and have told her if she touches the gate I will soak her, she said,

"You would never dare!" I smiled.

She touched the gate, I drenched her from head to toe.

To say she was angry would be an understatement, she went bat shit crazy berserk. She shouted, she screamed, she shook the gates (I soaked her a second time). She tried to climb over the fence I soaked her again)

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She fell down into the mud that had been generated by my hose, she stood, & fell down again. Her ethnic peace trousers ripped at the knee, her T shirt tore. She lay on the floor and screamed.

Jacques, the local butcher walked by, he smiled at us and tipped his hat to my wife

Excellent update from Henri. When mad woman went to the local police station she described herself as a,

"Psychic animal talker" Seems she believes she can understand what animals think and our dog had suffered a
"lifetime of anxiety and stress through repeated forced swimming"

I have learnt through, 'unofficial sources' that since arriving last week she and her partner have made six claims of animal cruelty to the local police station and have asked for a meeting with the Mayor. In addition she says her partner is a witch who is also psychic.

My wife has suggested we all go out for a drive as mad woman is likely to return. I agreed, she immediately suggested the hat shop in Sarlat.

I vetoed this and we going to call at our wine merchant who is making the arrangements for the wine auction.

I tried all I could to avoid mentioning their nationality but yes the suspicions of many were correct. She is indeed English but with a touch of Southern Californian hippy nutcase.

Our dog will of course be coming along. He is already standing by the Land Rover ready to go. The cat couldn't care less.

Qiuck update. Have learnt the witch partner claims to the police she is a "US sovereign citizen" No idea what that means but she seems to think French law does not apply to her.

My wife is driving, I am monitoring our CCTV on my phone, dog is standing on the centre consul with his front paws on our shoulders and his head out of the sun roof.

I can see our cat at home it's asleep on a deck chair next to the pool.

"Centre console"

No Imperial Roman officials were hurt during this journey.

At the house of our wine merchant now. Wife informing him of today's fun. Our dog playing in garden with his dog.

I can see Henri parked up outside my gate in his police van. He has adopted a relaxed reading the newspaper position.

It's good to have friends.

We are home now, I have somehow been talked into buying a case of champagne. All safe and quiet here. Dog sleeping indoors tonight just in case.

Rewarded Henri with a marc.