I have an email account that I use whenever there is a requirement to enter an email for a random purchase etc. It of course fills up with the the usual 419 type mails and more recently the "Microsoft Support" ones but on Saturday I got my first "need husband". Have replied.
So it seems the 'young lady' is 26, has a degree in "Law and Economics", lives in Estonia and is very lonely (wipes tear from eye). She has already promised "special pictures" and "private chats".
I asked if she had an interest in Swan breeding.
So remarkably it seems she DOES have an interest in Swans, seems she is,
"always happy to bird watch and sunbath"
I said this was to be expected as Tallinn is a recognised centre for Swan racing and held the Estonia F1 Swan GP only last year (winner Lucky Boy by a head)
I added that as a hunchback competitive Swan breeding and racing was one of my few pleasures in life that I can enjoy free from public scorn and ridicule.
I asked if she was aware of my prize racing swan - Esmeralda ?
She ducked the question on Esmeralda and moved straight to what I assume is a script.
"Where do you live" she asked
"Hemel Hempstead in England, a sub-tropical paradise with white sandy beaches all along the canal and several Michelin star restaurants on the high street"
She said that sounded,
"Very lovely and peaceful with good times possible"
I replied that was the case and I had enjoyed "many good times" here but however one needed to be careful of the bridges, they can be a challenge for some people.
She asked if I was married or "with a lovely person" I replied,
"Lady love has been a stranger to me these past years, the demands of my calling do not make it easy to achieve that perfect union. I have yearnings of course but who would consider me, a man destined to be alone"
She asks if I like to
"Party with girls and ladies on the beach" I said
"I would like to but my swans take a lot of my time and I am always fearful of espionage. Swan racing is a very cutthroat business. Last year a French rival organised an air strike on my breeding centre"
She seemed a little confused by that asking,
"Is an air strike when the birds die?" I said yes it was.
She moved on. Would I like to see photos of her, I said I would. She offered to send them but it seems that in Latvia a "photo processing fee" must be paid. "Only $25"
She's forgotten she told me she was in Estonia. I offered to pay via "The International Bank of Luton"
She was fast, saying that a payment via Western Union was the best method or I could get some Amazon Gift cards for her. I went with that option and said I would get them "later today" . In the meantime I asked if I could have a photo of her "on trust" She sent this. https://t.co/xLc5ENlBPE
I should say at this point I let my wife see what I was doing.
"Don't you have any work to do?"
The 'lady in Estonia/Latvia is persistent. She just followed up with an email asking if I liked her and would I like to marry her ! I replied with 30 questions regarding swans, I said these were a deal breaker. Let's see if she answers
The questions were:
1 - are you allergic to swans?
2 - are you in favour of revisions to the 1986 International Swan Racing Association rules on beaks ?
3 - do you find webbed feet sensual?
4 - How long should a swan F1 GP last. One or two hours?
5 - Do you think ducks are overrated ?
6 - do you support the petition to have the film, 'The Wild Geese' have its name changed to 'The Wild Swans' as Richard Burton was a known swan enthusiast ?
7 - Do you support the teaching of swan appreciation in secondary schools?
8 - should swan ponds be heated in the winter ?
9 - should the phrase 'swan upping' be classified as hate speech?
10 - what is the best bread for casual swan feeding? (obvious trick question)
11 - do you think a supersonic swan will one day be possible?
12 - Is pigeon racing as good as swan racing?
13 - what is the best method for long distance swan transportation?
Hang on - she's replied. Let me read her email.
She's ignored the questions and asked if I have a picture to send her. I said I had this one from earlier in the year when I had been gardening. https://t.co/PQ6KOhmPLO
Then sent another saying this was me by my pool in the summer https://t.co/7yBLEhbamN
I said I was just about to go out and get her the Amazon Gift cards but at present there is an 'incident' outside my house https://t.co/9yT3NIiRYH
I said to her I had made the Amazon River Fund donation in her name and they were very grateful. Would she now send me the other photos ?
She's not happy.
"No, that is wrong, very wrong. Should be Amazon Gift Card for special photos"
I said not to worry I was sure that,
"It's all the same Amazon because I had heard Jeff Bezos had bought the Amazon river and parts of Brazil"
She's now becoming quite aggressive. Claims that she sent me a "special private hot photo" of her and I have not kept my part of the deal. Says I have upset her and she may not still want to marry me. Sent her a photo of an Amazon gift card. https://t.co/xtDHQmGEmo
"Yes, yes, yes my lovely darling that is the one. Please let me have the numbers", I replied,
"What numbers?" and also sent her a picture of a swan with the title, 'My Secret Love' https://t.co/0RQxQG1aNI
I followed up with,
"Can't talk now. It's 5.30 here and that means swan milking time. It can take me a little while to get the hoses attached so please give me time"
She clearly thinks I am on the hook as she has sent three more emails all with other stock photos attached. I replied to the last,
"Six swans on the loose, it's bedlam here, feathers everywhere and a poor night for the swan milk. Will make cheese production problematic."
She came back with,
"Take care my darlings, I am sending you much love" I said,
"I don't know if we are going to make it, several swans have gone rogue and are ganging up on me and my swan handler. We are having to use the wet celery and the flying helmet to control them.
I assumed my Estonian/Latvian wife to be would give up after the exchange yesterday but no, she's back today with,
"When we are married all your problems will be gone because I can look after you and keep you safe." I replied,
"I've lost some blood, a pint, that's an armful"
She asked me for a picture of my house and where it was so I sent her this and said I lived just off the A41 next to the canal. https://t.co/Zx6OPb6CH4
Hello the con is on, the first request for serious money has arrived.
"My sweet darling, I want to be with you as soon as possible and to help you with your work but I must first pay for an operation for my mother. Would you be able to help with a small amount?" I offered $5.
A fast reply,
"I will need $723 and then we can be together. Please send by Western Union as soon as possible. May the sweet Jesus keep and protect you until we are one" I replied,
She replied to me,
"Please me darling, can you help?" I said,
Well the swan racing season has been difficult this year so money is tight. I do however have a collection of swan memorabilia that I could potentially sell. Do you know anyone who will buy a 4 metre china swan?"
I helpfully sent a picture of said swan https://t.co/HcDZUW25oN
I'm beginning to think her interest in swans is not sincere because she said,
"Please stop asking about bird things, we need to find a way to cement our love, please my love help me with the medical bills for my dearest mother."
I asked if her mother liked swans.
She never answered but once again asked for the money, she suggested I could ask my family and friends for a loan.
I said my parents were dead, killed in a freak skate boarding accident while on holiday in Hull and my friends left me because they said I was "swan obsessed"
I thought at this point I would ratchet things up a level so I said,
"Besides I am a little short of money right now because I am investing in a Nigerian business opportunity with a member of the Royal Family there. In fact I am off to Western Union office this afternoon."
Good grief, that got a reaction !
"NO, NO, NO my darlings, do not do that. There are bad men there who will take your money, you must listen to me. DO NOT SEND THEM ANY MONEY !!!! Please email back to me"
I told her not to worry as my contact was a respected member of the Nigerian Royal Family, HRH Prince Engelbert Humperdinck and I had full faith in him, plus I said he was a very religious man so clearly trustworthy. I signed off with,
"Off to Western Union now - bye!"
She is clearly panicking now, sent me six emails all say I was not to send any money to my Nigerian Prince. I sent a fake 'autoreply' reading.
"I am out of the office at the moment please call me on xxxxxxxx if urgent." Have already had three text messages from her.
Just sent her a text saying,
"Do you know how to make a transfer of $15000 with Western Union?" Instant reply,
"DO NOT SEND ANY MONEY, MY LOVER, YOU ARE BEING CONNED BY BAD MEN" I replied
"I think I can trust a member of the Nigerian Royal Family"
Sent her another text,
"If you let me have your details I can send you the money you need while I am here at Western Union" Of course instant reply so I texted back,
"sorry message was incomplete, send again"
She sent the details again, I replied with,
"My hovercraft is full of eels and my Mother in Law races Zebras"
O now this is funny. She has sent six emails and three text messages with the details for the money transfer. I ignored the emails but replied to every text message with,
"Your message has not reached the intended recipient owing to adverse atmospheric conditions"
Sent her a text,
"You must send me the information now. Western Union office closing soon for annual British festival of the sacred Turbot. No money transfer possible during this time of aquatic prayer"
Multiple text messages from her all asking if I had sent her the money, I said.
"Yes but there was a mistake, I just sent you the $15,000 instead of to my Nigerian contact. Would you please send it back"
Her first question,
"What is the MTCN number?"
I said, "here's a copy of the receipt" and I sent her this https://t.co/4L9QVPGJrI
"That is not the right paper, please send MTCN number" I said,
"Sorry, my mistake that's from when I was Canada for Swanfest 2019. What a week that was !"
"Without a doubt some of the finest swan wrangling I have seen and of course I didn't miss the opportunity to see the combined lumberjack and swan capture rodeo. Good times"
She is getting insistent and said,
Please send MTCN number with details my lovely darling, very important for our future loving"
I sent her this https://t.co/AXmjRsmU2j
She replied saying she was unable to read the receipt. I asked if that was because English is not her first language.
She replied saying,
"No my sweet darling, it is because the paper is out of the focus, I cannot see the numbers. Please just tell me what they are." I replied
"10-11-2020" and she emailed back, "No, that is the date"
I said, "yes I know, isn't that what you want?"
"No, the MTCN number, please my sweet love send to me"
I wrote back,
"the lights of gone out here so I can't read the paper. I am off to buy four candles"
I did not tweet yesterday for obvious reasons but that did not stop my wife to be still bombarding me with text and emails. She still thinks she has $15,000 coming to her
If only she can get hold of that MTCN number.......
She had a new approach yesterday with suggestions that were considerably more 'juicy' than previously. I responded with,
"My swan work makes it hard for me to make new relationships. The world of Cygnus is everything to me."
Another request for the MTCN number.
I told her I was worried about security if I passed the number over to her in a mail or text as I thought I was under surveillance from other swan racing teams. I said,
"But do not worry, I have a cunning plan"
I said I will send the numbers one by one hidden in various innocuous phrases so she can piece the whole sequence together. She replied,
"Yes, yes my lover, please send quickly so I can start our life together" I sent her
"Listen carefully, I shall say this only once"
Next I sent her,
"A stitch in time saves nine"
"A partridge in a pear tree, Two turtle doves, Three french hens, Four calling birds, Five gold rings, Six geese a-laying Seven swans a-swimming, Eight maids a-milking, Nine ladies dancing, Ten lords a-leaping, Eleven pipers piping, Twelve drummers drumming"
I followed that up with what I felt was my pièce de résistance of the day. I said,
"All the number are there just not in the right order"
She replied to me,
"What is the right order my lively darling one?" I wrote back,
"The right order is the one where the numbers are the same as on the receipt I have here"
I followed that up with,
Misty day here at home. Our elite group are off for morning exercise before their rub down and massage. https://t.co/Ke0tneazsy
There was quite a long delay and I thought at one point she had realised the game was up but no, late in the day yesterday I got,
"Sweet darling, I must have those numbers so we can be together in our new home" I replied,
"Do I know you ?"
Then I had a text from her, I replied to that saying,
"I am very worried about a swan kidnap attempt and I think I am being followed. We have to be careful. I suggest we communicate in code from now on. I will be Broadsword, you can be Danny Boy"
Naturally enough I began the next email with,
"Broadsword calling Danny boy - Broadsword calling Danny boy"
She seemed confused by that and reverted to type with,
"My darlings I must have the number for our love. I have special pictures for you" I replied,
"Would you prefer the code name "Nighthawk?"
She was quiet for a while but that I received this a few moments ago,
"You think you have been clever but you are not, I have lots of friends near you and they are coming to get you they am going to kill you" I replied
"So no wedding then ?"
I told her I wasn't concerned. I am protected by the SAS.
The Swan Attack Squad
I assumed the idiot would simply call it a day but the persistence continues.
"You have wasted my time for days, you owe me a lot of money. If yuo don't pay I will be sending people to your work to get you on the way home. You need to make me Western Union payment of $1000"