Late last week I received a new twist on the standard scam email. This one suggested I had been overcharged by the tax authorities and gave an email address so I could "receive your immediate refund of $2987. Putting aside my confusion as to why the French government..

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.. would be sending me a tax refund in US Dollars I wrote back,

"What joyous news, I give praise to the Gods above for this fortuitous event that greets me at this crossroads in my life. Only last week I found a four leaf clover on my morning walk and now this....

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my cup runneth over with gifts. Shall I collect the money from the Post Office or will you be sending a cheque?

They replied,
"There will be a small government processing fee to be paid and then the refund will be sent to your bank. Please send your bank details..."

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I emailed back immediately.

Angoulême Loan Pacific And Consolidated Associated Bank

Account number 31415926535 Sort Code 8979323846 Reference 2643383279

There was some delay but then a flurry of responses.

"Which bank is that?"
"Why is that account number in that format"
"What is the name of the account?"
"When can you transfer the fee to us"
"Is there a Western Union office near you?"

I gave them a little time to stew and then replied,

"Sorry, it's the beginning of the Swan racing season and they can be frisky, it's feathers everywhere in their boxes right now so I have been busy. Before we go on can this money be paid direct to my Swan racing account in..

..Luxembourg or does it have to go to a French bank? I like to keep some money out of the country if you know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink wink."

They were quick to email back,

"We can process to any bank in the world just let us have the details, also please confirm that you have a Western Union office near you" I replied,

"Western Union, is that the people who sell the leather chaps?"

I continued,
"The reason I ask is because we are seeing more and more overlap between competitive Swan racing and a love for the Old West. Here for example is 2019 world champion Eric Idle" https://t.co/cEV4J2qTRU

They chose to ignore this and instead sent me a link to the various Western Union office in France. I ignored them for a while but earlier today I emailed again,

"OK boys we are all good to go. I have identified a Western store in Lille that should be fine. What come next?

About twenty minutes ago they wrote,

"You need to go to store and transfer to us $175 for the processing fee, this will release your refund from the finance ministry to your account. Let us know the MTCN number as soon as possible"

.. so I just wrote back,

"No probs, just need to get all the swans into their boxes and I'm right on it but they can be tricky beggers so I could be a little while. My main racer "John Cleese" is real handful I can tell you, last week he ate an Aspidistra"

They replied very fast,

"Important you pay processing fee immediately or the refund will expire." I of course wrote back,

"You have to give me more time, it's madness here, the Swans are making a break for it and three are digging their way out from the shower block"

They replied it must be tomorrow at the latest. I said I was hopeful of that but one of my important swans,
'Big X' was presumed loose and out of his hut so that may delay things.

I thought I had driven them away but no, an email just now,

"Please confirm the MTCN number when you have, very high level urgent and important to secure your refund. With God's grace this can happen today"

Not sure why a deity is involved in the process.

I thought I would give them hope,

"All racing swans now corralled so I am off to the Western shop, as it's a nice day I have decided to ride there on my horse 'Manuel', he needs the exercise and always enjoys a canter past our local Wimpy bar."

I emailed them,

"OK so I'm at the Western store but the owner here 'Texas Jake' says he has never heard of an MTCN number. He does however have a great new selection of snakeskin boots and lassos. I'm confused how we proceed, please advise as Manuel is getting restless outside"

and they're back.

"WESTERN UNION ! You must go to a WESTERN UNION store for money transfer, go now, very extra high urgent"

I replied

"You should have said, I'm not a mind reader"

I emailed him,

"OK I'm at the Western Union store, do you want to send me my tax refund here, that would work for us both I think plus Manuel is getting amorous with a donkey so best we get this concluded quickly."

I think I'm annoying him, he seems very stressed,

"WHY DONT YOU LISTEN, YOU MUST PAY FEE FIRST, VERY VERY HIGH SUPER IMPORTANT. IF NO PAYMENT THEN NO REFUND.
DO IT NOW !! DO IT NOW !!! DO IT NOW!!

I wrote back

"Would Monday be ok?