I have received an email,

"There was some confusion yesterday as we only saw an image of a dog. It's important this call takes place so are you able to speak with us today?" I replied,

"That's weird, on my side I only saw a Ocelot. Have you been hacked?" https://t.co/qT9y8LMLXd

I replied that I was not comfortable having the call until I had received assurances there were no wild animals in their offices. I said this was a "strong red line" for me after my "experiences at Whipsnade"

He's getting a little stressed,

"Of course we do not have wild animals in the office, this is a place of business!!" I replied,

"Well explain the Ocolot then? I've watched that Joe Exotic, I'm very wary of Americans now and your perverted working practices"

I went on,

"I cannot have this call today. We are right in the middle of the swan racing season here in Europe and my three best birds are starting to feel the stress as the Monaco race is coming up. I suggest you contact me again when we pass the Autumn equinox.

He wrote back

"I don't understand what's happening. Am I still talking with the head of HR, who are you and what is this reference to SWANS, is that an acronym for something, if so what?" I replied

"None of my swans are called 'acronym' they are named Hubert, Beryl and Dusty"

He is very stressed now,

"THIS IS NOT FUNNY AND I SUGGEST YOU START TAKING IT SERIOUSLY" I wrote back,

"You don't need to tell me, I'm up to my ears in feathers here. Did you know swans moult when they are stressed, it's not a pretty sight and Dusty is off his millet."

He's back,

"I don't know why you keep talking about swans, this email is to set up a call regarding an HR matter, one of importance. Please address that"
I wrote

"The swans don't have an HR department, do you have the right person. Shall I forward this to Stan in shipping?

Using a spare email address I have sent him the following,

"Thank you for contacting shipping, we are pleased to deal with any of your avian transport requirements. What is your shipping number?

Please note all our owls are now gender neutral"

He replied to "Stan"

"I have not requested shipping, I want to speak to your HR department" 'Stan' replied,

"Well why did you contact me then? I have better things to do than waste my time corresponding with bloody yanks. You need to pull your finger out mate"

He's back to me again,

"I did not want to speak with your shipping department, I want a call with your HR team"

I replied,
"Thank you for your email, I am currently undergoing a deep cleanse and will not be available this afternoon. Your email has been forwarded to reception"

I wrote to him from 'reception'

"Good afternoon, the reception desk is currently unwomaned because we are undertaking a candlelight vigil for our colleague Tricia who fell victim to bear attack on holiday in Romania"

I thought that would drive him away but no, he's back.

"For the last time, when is your HR department available to discuss the abusive message sent by your employee to this company?" I said,

"Sunday morning?"

Of course he questioned why a Sunday so I said,

"Out of my hands, I'm sorry to say. Ever since we made the switch to the Julian calendar these date conflicts do pop up. More than my job's worth to make a fuss since the CEO converted to Greek Orthodox"

He said,

"I need to speak to your CEO" I wrote back,

"Sorry, not possible I'm afraid. He's currently on a prayer retreat above the cheese shop"

An immediate reply,

"What the hell is going on there, why can't I just speak to the HR department."

I replied,

"It's been a difficult time for all of us here, the bear attack, the swan moulting, the ocelot incident. Perhaps best if you just apologise and we call it quits."

He didn't like that,

"I WILL NOT APOLOGISE! I AM THE VICTIM HERE" I replied,

"We're all victims, have you considered the words of the Buddha?"

"The Buddha? What the hell are you talking about? I want to talk to HR right now"

I said,
"Sorry its tiffin right now, we never interrupt tiffin"

He has just sent another Zoom request. I have replied,

"You will need to talk to Sir Charles Phantom, The Notorious Litton"

The penny has dropped, he emailed,

"OK I now understand you are not a company just a one person writing company. You are childish and a jerk, I shall ensure you get no further work from us."

I sent him https://t.co/Oaj8501OKp