From my 'bait' email

"Darling dear, I saw your profile and fell in love with you as soon as I saw you, you are my deep love, we can be together and live in love all our days please email me your details so we may converse and start our love life together in a house"

Seems legit

I have just replied,

"My love burns like a half smoked Woodbine on a windowsill. My feet are itching to run toward you and make our love complete. Do you mind that I live in a camper van parked in an Aldi carpark and make my living as a freelance street frog juggler?"

Well remarkably he/she wrote back,

"My dearest love, please send me your Skype name so we can see you and me and be loving together. I have lot of love to give and share and receive from my body"

I replied

"I can't talk now, I'm having my false leg oiled and polished"

I'm beginning to think my replies are not being read because he/she wrote back,

"Yes my lover now please quick send Skype name so we can video and I will show you my hips and bits"

I've created a fake Skype profile with this picture. https://t.co/2XTdcTLSW3

I have them live on Skype right now. He/she is desperate for me to turn on my camera but I'm feigning technical ignorance. He/she is offering,

"special nudity pictures" I said,

I am wearing my spider-man pyjamas and a balaclava, how about you.

He/she just said,

"please let me see your body so I know the man I will be loving soon"

I wrote,

"I've been shy since the incident at Tesco cheese counter. I'm sure you understand. The smell of cheddar still makes my leg twitch"

I just updated the profile image to this one to see if he/she notices. No response yet. https://t.co/2JENtC2ojp

She/he's persistent and the subtle money requests have begun,

"My love, I want to be with you, how can I travel to be with you" I replied,

"I find roller skates are an effective method for urban transport or you could use a donkey"

That last comment caused confusion,

"No my love, I need to buy an airplane ticket to be near you." I wrote back

"I don't live at an airport. We can meet at the Greggs on the high street if you want. You can get a bus to there"

He/she has suddenly gone off line with no comment. I think that might be it.

No I was wrong, he/she's back !

"My dearest love, I want to be in a house with you, our love together. Will you show me your face so I can have a picture to sleep with tonight" I sent this saying,

"Here is me at Ascot races last year" https://t.co/t2G1ExbhfW

He/She seems to like that,

"Very handsome my love, we are going to be very happy together but I need a help in coming to you, can you help me with this, not much to be with love us both"

I sent back,

"The number 11 bus runs right past my house if that helps"

A fast reply,

"No my special lover I need to fly to you, on a plane from the airport. I need a ticket so we can be over in love and together"

I said,

"I will have to ask my mum if she says it's ok"