RS Archer

Text received

"Dave, we're on our way. Ferry booked for Saturday, got my map for the you know what. See you soon"

It seems he has purchased, in his words,

"a wicked new camper, A Merc so it wont stand out near the lake area"

He tells me he has been taking scuba diving lessons which he describes as,

"Too much stuff and nonsense about safety and not enough diving but I've got all the kit now so happy to rock it when me and Tony the sausage gets there".

I stressed to him that diving Lake Como was probably not allowed and could be dangerous. His reply was ominous.

"Water is water Dave and I don't let meself be pushed around by Italian pencil pushers.

It seems that Tony the sausage is the "brains" of this operation because as IS told me,
"Tony knows all about the gold, the 911 cover up, 5G nanoprobes and the fake London flood barrier"

Obviously I was intrigued so I texted him,

The London Flood Barrier is not fake, I've seen it and London needs it to prevent a catastrophe. He replied,

"O sure there are buildings there and everything but that's just a front, it's a cover for the mini submarines they use"

"Mini submarines, what do you mean?" He was uncharacteristically reticent,

"I can't say any more, too many people at GCHQ reading these texts, tell you when I see you but I'll just say this. The river Thames goes all the way to the sea, that's not by accident is it?"

I have just now received an email Roz (his girlfriend) she said,

"He looks up to you, please look after him. Last month he got in trouble in the river Gade and had to be recused by the fire brigade and a police dog. He thinks he's good at scuba but he's really not"

Early morning text:
"The ferry is not until tomorrow Dave but thought it best to set off early to avoid the weekend traffic and dodge the cameras. Have had to come back home though as I forget my suitcase - what am I like ?"

2nd text of the day from him:

"Right suitcase on board, Tony the sausage also picked up his tool belt (better safe than sorry) and we are leaving now. Roz nagging about 'remember last time' - women !

IS update - he's just sent me a text:

"Been a few issues, stopped for a coffee at the services and got into a bit of a bundle with some Polish blokes cause I called them Russian. No sense of humour some people. Cops called but all sweet now"

IS update:

"We're in Dover Dave, had a probs here last time so keeping a low profile. Got the camper set up in a Tesco car park so saved that money. Off for a curry later but a few beers first.

Late night text just sent,

"I can't find my shoes or my van keys, do you know where they are?"

Just spoke to him. Seems they had an interesting evening.

Thrown out of a pub for singing spice girl songs
Asked to leave a curry restaurant (reason unspecified)
Got lost walking back to camper
Slept in a park
Lost shoes
Lost and found van keys
Now having breakfast

They've missed the ferry, he describes it as

"Just out of my control, I don't let wooden tops push me around and they don't like it"

Text from his girlfriend,


I said I was not aware of the London Zoo incident and she has just replied,


He's made the ferry, had a text,

"All sweet Dave, now off for a few boat beers and some duty free"

He's been pulled over in France by the police. He's tested twice over the drink driving limit.

I have no idea where he is or what has happened to him but I'm now getting incoherent texts and voicemails from someone I assume from context to be Tony the sausage, including

"Step up and help your mate dude !!!!!!!!!!"

I'm off home. If he is going to be anywhere near our property I want to be there (if only to stop my wife shooting him)

It's all gone onimously quiet, no calls, no texts, mo messages. It's possible he's either in jail or being deported.

He was pulled over but was not drunk. Tony the sausage was drunk but fortunately not driving. They are currently in Levroux for some reason as in his words,
"We needed a chemist"

There was confusion when they rejoined the A20 highway and they drove for 90 minutes in the wrong direction back North again, they have corrected the mistake and are now going the right way although he tells me he,
"spilt chocolate milk all over myself"

I thought it only polite to ask how he spilt milk on himself. He said,

"I was chasing a pigeon"

So of course the obvious question from me,

"Why were you chasing a pigeon?" he replied,

"I didn't like the way it was looking at me"

He went on,

"I started to shake my fist at him to teach him a lesson but I forgot I was holding the chocolate milk and it ended up going all over my new Bob Monkhouse T shirt and my jeans, still he flew away so I guess that's one up to me Dave"

Well it's about to happen. He just sent a message saying they are "not far now"

My wife has taken the dogs and gone to visit my parents.
My daughter is off to stay at her boyfriend's house
Our gardener has found a sudden need to go and "buy some plants"
The cat is hiding

He's just pulled up at the gates, his camper van has a horn that plays the Dixie tune.

Of course it does,

Lady from the Mayor's office has coincidently just dropped by, seems she was "passing". She has brought three friends with her.

IS is now off to show Tony the sausage his parent's old house down the road from us. It's worth stating here that Tony is a complete and utter moron, thick as a plank, dimmer than broken lamp, I'm surprised he can function without a handler and regular electric shocks.

Tony's appearance is ..........'interesting'. Double denim covering a body that is part pipe cleaner and part scars with a missing front tooth and an arm tattoo that reads,
"Born To Ride". His mobile phone case says, "911 was faked"

They have gone to a nearby camp site to set up although as they told me before they left,
"We're going into town for burgers and beers"

Local police are aware they are in the area.

Text just received

"French people are rude"

Just beginning to get the full details but it would seem the heros of this adventure had a fun filled evening that featured a goat, a fall into the river, a walnut tree and a Mini Moke driven by retired glass blower from Huddersfield.

I understand the evening began with a search for "a decent burger". This took them to the delightful local riverside town of Castelnaud and a 'spirited discussion' with a restauranter who was trying to explain they didn't sell burgers. IS found this difficult to comprehend.....

....because as he related to me this morning,
"I thought you French liked good food and yet no burgers, where's the sense in that? I put him straight and then it all kicked off"

..they were asked to leave which I hear Tony the sausage took exception to declaring,
"We've had no dinner mate" and refusing to move. This caused several other customers to take an interest in proceedings.. of the customers was said retired glass blower ( I learnt this from the restaurant owner this morning). A man described as "physically formidable". Tony the sausage told him to "wind you neck in and sod off"..

...there was a brief but lively altercation that saw all parties move to the car park for a more detailed discussion. Here IS did not help proceedings by describing the glass blowers Mini Moke holiday home car as a "McDonalds clown car"

Adding to the general merriment was the herd of goats owned by the bar, one of whom Tony the sausage fell over resulting in him falling into a (fortunately empty) water trough. To add insult to injury the goat then stood on him.

The goat, clearly sensing excitement decides this was the right time for a bowel movement causing Tony to leap from said water trough, jump, trip and run into a walnut tree resulting in a cut to the head and general loss of dignity.

..I'm told IS did not help matters at this point by attempting a kick of the Mini Moke however he mistimed his leg placement and subsequently fell into a small decorative bush (genus unknown).

Have just completed lunch (cold salmon salad plus beans) so I can continue.

Having been unable to secure a meal they decided to drive a little further along the river, now in pursuit of,
"A cheeky pizza a bottle of wine". They arrived in La Roque-Gagaec....

Deciding to take the evening air and enjoy the warm evening beauty of the Dordogne valley IS sat on one of the stone blocks that overlook the river. I'm told he inadvisabley attempted to reach into his back pocket.

He fell in the river.

Tony the sausage with commendable solidarity tried to grab him, he too slipped.

Tony the sausage fell in the river.

Although I was not present I am told that our Mayor, sitting nearby enjoying dinner, saw the events unfold, watched them both climb out of the river and recognising IS delivered his line with suitably mayoral aplomb,

"I see you have returned, how nice"

I understand they spent the evening drying off with the camper parked in the carpark. Earlier today they called in to let me know the original plan to stay a few days has been abandoned as they feel "unwelcome" in the area. One last night and then they are off to Italy.

Tony the sausage is very confident regarding the gold, a man more cynical than me might suggest 'overconfident' but I'm sure he knows what he's doing coming from a long line of experts based on You Tube videos.

Voicemail from IS

"Does your mayor mate know the mayor at Como, are they in any sort of Mayor's club where he could smooth out the local red tape?"

I texted to say I thought it unlikely but would ask. He promised to reward both Mayor's,

"With a good drink if all goes well"

They just drove past the end of my drive giving me the 'pleasure' of a blast on his novelty car horn as they did so. Their arrival at Como is, I would suggest, far from guaranteed but at least they are no longer our problem.

Here ends the story as far as I am concerned.

Wed Jul 06 06:41:17 +0000 2022