First British tourists of the summer season are here. Middle aged couple with a caravan that had a UKIP sticker in the window. Assumed I spoke English, asked for directions, I replied in French. The woman tutted, rolled her eyes and said,
"They don't even try to speak English"

Her husband did the speak slowly and louder thing,
"WHERE IS THE CAMPSITE?"
I shrugged and said, "C’est tout droit." His wife then said,
"I really do think you could make an effort, we are bringing money to the region" I said (in English)
"The horse of my uncle is unwell"

This stumped them for a while and the husband eyed me suspiciously so I followed up with a cheery wave and said, "Do not park in the river"

He became angry and delivered what I assume he thought a statement of significance,
"Be careful, I'm a local councillor" His wife was happy to confirm this, leaning over she said loudly,
"Fifteen years on the council, fifteen years"

I said,
"Fifteen years, are you being punished for something"

I swear his skin colour changed to a deep magenta and a vein on his neck throbbed ominously.

"I have responsibility for footpaths and bridleways I will have you know"

His wife lost patience at this point and said,

"Leave it Reg, leave it he's not worth it. We'll ask someone else, they can't all be bloody halfwits"

I gave them a cheery wave as they left.......

On the wrong side of the road.

They came back !!
The husband just confronted me through my main gates,
"The man at the campsite says you speak perfectly good English, I won't be ridiculed by the likes of you" I said,
"Who are you ok ridiculing you, would you like me to get one of my staff ?"

He got out of the car,
"Now look here, I won't stand for this, you need to learn some respect for people like me" I couldn't resist it, I said,
"People like you? You mean fat people?"

His wife added her voice,

"Don't you call my Reg fat, that's very rude. we'll be reporting this, just you see"

"Reporting to who, Weight Watchers?"

The vein on his neck had by now begun to do more than throb, it had possibly achieved sentience as it writhed, snake like just above the collar of his salmon pink Ralph Lauren polo shirt

His wife was by now filming me with her phone,

"You'll be sorry, the Police will be seeing this, we don't take abuse from foreigners like you, we know our rights"

I said, "I strongly urge you to go to the Police madam, in fact I beg you to go there now"

By now a small but interested crowd had gathered and they sought support from them,

"This man has been rude to us, very rude. He refused to speak English and called my husband fat." Claude, a local farmer spoke,
"This is France, we speak French and he is fat"

Claude paused, drew reflectively on his cigar, looked the woman up and down and said,

"You are also fat"

There was a general murmur of agreement from the crowd which did little to calm them. Reg pulled a small notebook from his car and said,

"Right I want everyone's names here, this is going further, you will all be hearing from my solicitor. You" he said, looking at me, "name?"

I said "Guillaume Canet" he wrote it down.
"Right" he said, "now the rest of you"

Claude gave a local rustic gesture and walked away. Other followed him and the crowd gently dispersed.

Returning to their car the final throwaway line was defiant,
"Don't think you have heard the last of this, I'm a Rotarian"

Call from our Mayor,
"We have just had people here complaining about you. they told one of my ladies they wanted to make a statement and press charges. I have referred them to the Gendarmerie. They did not like that we laughed. I tried to explain that refusing .....

...to speak English is not an offence in France but the very strange women told me it should be because of 'all the tourists and stuff'. They say that are not staying to be insulted, I suggested the Loire region for them. they asked if people speak English there. I said yes"