A letter has been left pinned to my gate, we think it was left early this morning. It reads:

"FIRST POINT - Do not add this to the Twitter page you started yesterday, we saw that and we are taking legal advice.

SECOND POINT - We require and demand a full apology from you.... https://t.co/NpI0oNN9g7

...otherwise there will be legal action taken against you and your friends that were present yesterday. My solicitor tells me we have an ironclad case, we will win, you will lose and be forced to pay EXTENSIVE DAMAGES

THIRD POINT -You must post your apology on ALL social media

..in all parts of the world in multiple languages.

These points are NOT NEGOTIABLE. Your agreement is expected immediatly.

DO NOT PUT THIS ON TWITTER - FINAL AND ONLY WARNING

They are at my main gates now, shouting at my gardener, demanding to speak with me !!

I can hear and see the conversation on my CCTV, my gardener is by nature a very polite man but his English is poor so he's struggling but putting up a manful defence with the use of hand gestures and smiling while waving a hoe.

I can't leave him there to hold the fort alone, I shall go and have a chat with Reg before his head explodes from stress. I know he did not appreciate my gardener offering to go and get his Grandson to help translate.

Update when I return.

Things didn't go well.

I tried to introduce an upbeat, friendly tone by asking,

"How was your evening, did you find the campsite in the end?" Reg was not impressed.

"O so you do speak perfect English - I knew it"

I said, "It comes and goes" He waved some paper at me....

...saying, "
"Do you know what this is?" I paused reflectively,

"The air filter from a 1976 Mini Cooper?" He didn't take this well. His voice reached a pitch not often heard in a man of his age and girth,

"IT'S YOUR DOWNFALL, WE ARE GOING ALL THE WAY WITH IS, JUST YOU SEE"..

I smiled in what I judged to be an ingratiating manner,

"Going all the way, but Reg, you haven't even bought me dinner yet"

At this moment, Mrs Reg grabbed the bard of my gates and shooks them vigorously, a mistake in hindsight because that dislodged ....

... some bird droppings which fell into her hair, where it currently remains (I never told her, Reg didn't notice). I said I had to consult my lawyer and returned inside. I am sitting now back in my study and they are still at the gates
In about 15 minutes my wife will be home.

I saw my wife arriving on the cameras and got to the gate at the moment she did. Mrs Reg greeted her with

"Who the hell are you?" My wife has a commendable sangfroid in these circumstances. She viewed Mrs Reg with disdain and said

"You have bird shit in your hair, move away"

Now what happened next was of course regrettable and I take no pleasure in what resulted. Like any stressful situation words are exchanged and actions taken that would not have occurred if attitudes had been cooler and I am the first to admit my wife can be impulsive and does..

...not suffer fools gladly but also there was a certain inevitability. Mrs Reg shouted,

"I'm going nowhere until we get this sorted", my wife shrugged, engaged drive and ran over Mrs Reg's foot."

The Tesla X is a substantial vehicle and although it was only a gentle kiss with the edge of the tyre this was enough to trigger screams and demands for an ambulance. My wife viewed this circus with her usual ambivalence, locked the gates and said,

"Go away you are annoying"

Latest developments.

They have made a number of legal threats (I think I heard Magna Carta at one point) and have promised they will be returning,

"With the police and lawyers"
At present all calm here.

Cat indifferent.

Overnight another letter taped to the gates. It rambles on for several pages but the key message is I am,

"Required to attend arbitration in London in two weeks on pain of High Court action"

He helpfully included an email for me to,
"confirm my attendance and agreement"

I have just replied, citing, Arkell v Pressdram.

I have just heard from the lady at the Mayor's office (she of the new dress) that they were back there yesterday, again demanding "action". Our Mayor dealt with the problem by saying he doesn't speak English and wishing them a 'bonne journée' while showing them to the door.

I forgot to mention in the long letter left overnight there was again a demand that I do not publish any of this to Twitter. It seems their son is,
"closely monitoring all the social medias"

So with that in mind a warm hello to Reg's son. https://t.co/feP30IGP1L

Christ on a bike !

They are back at the gates shouting that I have offended them with my "Arkell v Pressdram" email and demanding I come to discuss it. I have sent my father out (who had dropped round for a coffee) to talk with them.

Initial conversation was strained as my father (an Edinburgh native) chose to employ his richest and most profound burr which caused Reg's wife to literally take a step back. My father opened with,

"I understand you have some legal matters to discuss"

Reg seemed pleased.....

... with this replying,

"Well it's quite complicated so I'm not sure you will understand all the legal implications" My father replied,

"I am a retired QC, let's see how I get on"

From Reg,
"A QC, so an accountant then?

"No, not an accountant. What is now a King's Counsel but was a Queen's Counsel when I was practicing, a barrister, a lawyer" said my father, patiently.

Reg was quiet for a while but responded with,

"Just because you are a lawyer doesn't mean you know about the law, I do"

My father was sort of polite,

"Where did you study law, Trumpton?"

Reg's wife ( I have learnt her name is Jane) offered her contribution,

"My Reg does a lot of reading, he knows the law, you should be careful" My father was pensive,

"it is fair to ensure, as in any battle of wits, both sides are equally armed"

My wife has insisted my father joins us for lunch so he has abandoned Reg and Jane at the gates. They have told him they are

"Going nowhere until this is sorted out"

Just glanced at the CCTV, they are still there, sitting on the grass verge outside my gates. Both scrolling on their phones and it seems bickering.

I just noticed a number of people asked what we are having for lunch. It's a simple salade niçoise with a glass of Domaine Tempier, bandol rosé from 2019

I had assumed they had got bored and left for good but they have now returned and Reg is carrying a small step ladder. Not sure what he's planning to do....

We are all currently watching the CCTV, Reg has twice propped up his ladder close to the left hand gate post, both times it has sunk into the earth and he has fallen over. Sue's advice is being brushed away in a somewhat off hand manner. Our dogs are watching with interest.

Our gardener has set up a lookout post on some loose logs near the rose garden, our housekeeper has taken him some lemonade. Reg and Jane shouted at her but she ignored them. Jane said,

"Bloody French, so arrogant"

Reg has fallen over again, this time sideways onto the gravel of the drive between the gates and the road. Our dogs are now in a line with their heads through the bars of the gates enjoying this. Jane has shouted,

"Keep these dangerous dogs away, that's an offence that is"

There are moments in any of the chapters of life when a person knows events are going to take a downward spiral, for me that was when I glanced out of my study window to see my wife pulling the high pressure house from the garages. This never ends well for unwanted visitors.

I called to her but she had that determined look I have seen many times, the look that says, "I have had enough and now you are going to feel the consequences of your actions" Now I should say that Reg must bear some of the responsibility here because his first words to her were

"You had better not be getting any stupid ideas lady"

I knew what was coming, our gardener knew what was coming, the dogs took a few paces backwards. My wife was succinct
"We are bored with you, leave now. I am giving you five seconds. 5..4..3" Jane said
"you wouldn't dare"

Now at this point I should explain we have not a simple garden hose but instead one connected to a high pressure pump used for various cleaning jobs around the grounds. It produces a powerful spray and my wife wields it with the confidence of a cavalryman.

"2....1..."

My wife initially gave only a small squeeze on the trigger, this gives a short but powerful burst, Reg and Jane received a small amount of water. Reg was indignant, he grabbed the bars of the left gate, he shouted,

"Do you know who I am?"

My wife often has the right phrase in situations like this and as usual she delivered,

"A very wet man"

She fully pulled the trigger

She knows the 'kick' the hose generates when the pressure is applied so she started low but allowed the hose to rise with the recoil, even allowing for the water deflection of the bars of the gates it was an impressive soaking. Head to foot, both of them.

Reg stood there stunned.

Jane screamed

The dogs barked in unison

Our gardener lent on his spade, took it all in and smiled.

That was around five minutes ago and Reg is now sitting dejectedly on the grass verge. His bright yellow polo shirt clinging, unattractively to his 'generous' stomach. Jane is still screaming, the dogs are still barking.

The cat remains indifferent.

Jane screamed at my wife,

"Look what you have done" My wife took her time, she smoothed her skirt. straightened her scarf and adjusted her hat to a jaunty angle,

"We do not speak English, goodbye"

Our gardener stepped forward and with a sympathetic smile slowly closed the two heavy, solid, wooden inner night gates that close us off from the road. My last memory as I returned here to my writing was Reg distantly shouting,

"I know Douglas Carswell"

I hope they have left.

I opened the gates this morning with a deep foreboding, fearful of what might be awaiting us.
Nothing, no letters, no notes .........

but then, slowly and with both of them staring at me they drove past in their Rover 75.

I fear it's not over....

We need to go into town for some groceries. I'm in favour of "A Team" type modifications to my Porsche to blast through but our housekeeper has suggested we take the Méhari with various members of the indoor and outdoor staff riding 'shotgun'

Update:
Have just received a call from our Mayor, it seems he has been contacted by a lawyer in Buckinghamshire (he asked me if that was a real place or a made up name) who wishes to discuss the,
"Ongoing acts of defamation happening in your town being suffered by my client"

..I asked him what he intended to do

( I heard a long slow intake of breath).

"Well if it's like last time with your special man from England I am tempted because we all enjoyed it in the end but I would prefer it if these people just left."

I heard the smack of his palms on the desk,

"Right, I shall reply to him with an email in French, that should provide enough discouragement" I offered him a small apéro at six this evening and he enthusiastically accepted.

OK, we are home safely. Reg and Jane not spotted.

Local shopkeepers report no sightings today.

Could they have departed, are they in hiding?

Now for something more important - lunch.

I'm sure someone will ask so lunch today is a croque madame with a Leffe blonde

Reg is standing at our gates with what looks like a 1990s video camera filming our house and grounds. The three dogs are silently watching him from behind the walnut tree. Our gardener has wished him a cheerful,
"Bonjour Monsieur"

Cat indifferent.

The luck is not with Reg, one of our local police were driving past, saw him and are now explaining that what he's doing is not allowed in France.

Regretfully Reg has decided his best course of action is to argue and start quoting the 'Common Law of England"

Should end well.

There is no easy way to build up to this so I will just say it.

<sigh>

Reg poked the gendarme in the chest and called him,

"a stupid frog"

This is the reaction of our gardener right now https://t.co/aSsjHdA0BK

Jane has arrived, as have some interested locals. Jane has not got off to a good start by slipping over when she climbed out of the Rover so she now has an ankle to shoulder mud stain up her dress (floral pattern, I would guess Marks and Spencer).

Local man on the scene Claude is very much an agitator, calling for Reg to be arrested immediately for insulting the dignity of France, personally I feel this is excessive but then I'm only half French.

I'm of outside to see if I can deescalate the situation because Jane just pushed one of our neighbours, who I think is part Gypsy, and she subsequently cursed her.

I have just quickly come back into the house to get some bandages and three avocado.

More updates when I can.

Things are little complicated at the moment, in the middle of the brouhaha outside our butcher arrived with weekly meat delivery and then a van with my new fence posts turned up. Both drivers felt a need to offer their opinions so the lone gendarme has requested assistance.

I have persuaded the meat delivery driver to come into the house, he's in the staff kitchen flirting with our housekeeper and drinking a marc, the fence poster driver is unfortunately fully engaged in the argument. I'm having a lime juice and soda water.

The good news is the avocados and bandages have done their job so that is one less thing to worry about.

Another police car just arrived.

The crowd of locals continues to swell.

OK, I'm back.

Reg, after a threat of arrest and a night in the cells has apologized and they have agreed to leave the town by midday tomorrow (there was a period of negotiation regarding how long it takes to pack up their caravan).

My fence posts are currently being unloaded.

It was agreed my wife was within her rights to spray them with a hose as she had just cause in rightfully believing they were attempting to break into our property.
The laws of France allow me to speak French to them.
Reg is not entitled to compensation for me calling him fat

Claude refused to apologise for calling Jane fat but agreed to go home.
Reg has retained the right to make a subsequent claim for slander when he return to England. (no chance)
We repaired the injury to the goat with the bandages and the avocados.

Our gardener has become aware he is now on twitter and wishes everyone a pleasant afternoon and a nice weekend.

Our cat remains utterly and completely indifferent.

10:17

Reg and Jane just drove past on their way out of the town, we hope never to return. Reg in a display of forgiveness, reconciliation and showing that he had moved on shouted "W*anker" out of his window at me and gave me a V sign.

Lovely.

I'm unsure why people keep asking me about the goat and the avocados. As I previously mentioned the goat was injured by the quad bike (not serious) and the avocados were used to make a standard cataplasm.

I should make clear the goat was NOT riding the quad bike.

We don't let him do that anymore.

Just had a phone call from someone in the main part of our town, Reg backed the caravan into a lamp post.

Details are vague but it seems he didn't see a low concrete post (not lamp post as first reported) and backed straight into it damaging his caravan. He then got out of his car and berated the shop owner for having the post in what he called,

"Obviously the wrong place"

I am hearing Reg is demanding to exchange insurance details with the shop owner because he is claiming the accident is a,

"50-50 because of where the bollard was placed"

He's getting annoyed because people are laughing at him.

Confirmed - Reg and Jane have left their area. As they were driving away Jane was heard shouting at Reg,

"I told you we should have taken a cruise with Saga, I told you, but you never listen"